In every city league or pickup soccer game there are special characters that stand out. The guys that make watching games at the Sports Park so much fun (albeit with the help of a pitcher). These characters are so classic and universal that they deserve their own special titles. Remember this is all meant in good fun. Stop now if you tend to get offended easily.

Are these people in your game?

Hustle Guy
Every game has this guy. You are in for a long day if Hustle Guy is defending you. Even in the father/daughter team BBQ game, nobody outworks Hustle Guy. If only he had been blessed with the smallest bit of talent, Hustle Guy's work ethic would have allowed him to play in the MLS at least. Ah, fate can be cruel. Hustle guy may not win the game for you but he is inspiring.

Real Madrid Guy
When David Beckham comes to the United States in August there will be an open spot on the Real Madrid roster and Real Madrid Guy will be dressed in case he gets called to play. It might not always be a Real Madrid jersey but this guy always plays in the kit of a professional club. Real Madrid Guy will also try a bicycle kick from anywhere on the field. Incidentally his cell phone is always on.

Megaphone Guy
Patty LaBelle only wishes she had lungs like Megaphone Guy. From the moment he steps on the field to time he steps off his voice can clearly be heard. Like an air traffic controller he directs every move as if hundreds of lives depended on it. Without rest he will repeat some assortment of sagely advice like "pass the ball", "shoot" and "get open". Despite living in the United States his entire life, Megaphone Guy has an odd European accent when he plays soccer.

Old Guy
Think Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid. Old Guy is a blend of necessary economy and guile. Old Guy isn't much to look with a constant smile that hints of senility. But when the ball is in play he teaches all the youngsters how the game played "back in the day". Old Guy is always foreign born. We didn't even hear of soccer until the 70s. If you ask, Old Guy will surprise you with a story about playing in the 1968 Olympics for some country that doesn't exist anymore.

George Costanza
Yes, a Seinfeld character gets the honor of inspiring the title for this guy based mainly on physical appearance. Costanza is short, carrying a few extra pounds, balding, and has a winter coat of body hair all year round. Like Jason Alexander's Seinfeld character, this guy will also have a few other quirks like the khaki soccer shorts or the converse shoes. Not always, but often, George Costanza is an appalling soccer player. However he always admirably keeps showing up for more.

Lurch
Remember The Adam's Family butler? That was Lurch. This guy is tall, lanky and moves like it causes him physical pain. The knees and back never bend. It seems like Lurch would be a passable basketball player but like Costanza he faithfully shows up to play each week. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find size 14 soccer cleats?

Needs Therapy Guy
Needs Therapy Guy needs therapy, medication or both. He plays as if his opponent is the reason his mother never hugged him. Off the field he might seem perfectly normal, but soccer time for Needs Therapy Guy is a hazy shade of rage and shame. I suppose that pickup soccer is much more affordable than a psychiatrist or a private dominatrix. Damn our health care system.

Fight Maker Guy
This guy has no interest in actually playing soccer. Somewhere along the way he discovered that soccer allowed him to kick people without being arrested. Like the typical bully Fight Maker Guy eventually runs into someone that actually is tough and he fades away. Or he gets the infamous lifetime league ban. Unlike Needs Therapy Guy, Fight Maker Guy is an @$$ twenty-four hours a day.

The Girl
Every so often a female player dares to test the waters in a male dominated pickup soccer game. If she is even slightly more attractive than Rosie O'Donnell then watch out. All of the above characters go into overdrive (except maybe Old Guy because his Viagra hasn't come in the mail yet). Megaphone Guy is even louder, Hustle Guy turns into performance enhanced Landis and Needs Therapy Guy makes Hannibal Lecter look like a Sesame Street character. Like my grade school crush, The Girl unimpressed by silly antics, becomes bored and disappears into memory.