Last Friday I happened to be celebrating a birthday with a few friends at American Dream Pizza when Barack Obama made a surprise visit to Corvallis' favorite pizza place. Unfortunately for us we were at the Monroe Street location. Even though I didn't meet the presidential hopeful, the visit did inspire me to make a political entry. Well, sorta.

Who would win the Political Derby, a grudge soccer match between the Democrats and Republicans? (It was this or write about Robbie Findley missing the game winning goal against Honduras.)

The Democrats
Favoring a progressive style of play, the Democrats are taking the field in a notably equitable and balanced 3-4-3 formation. However, the individual players have been given a great deal of freedom of choice with the expectation that the rest of the team will provide assistance.

Forwards:
Barack Obama is primary attacking threat. His willingness to experiment will keep defenders guessing and at 46 years of age he will have a clear edge in youthful energy.
Bill Clinton has never had any fear of being caught off-sides. He will get away with everything he can against the Republican defenders.
The resilient Ted Kennedy acts as the target forward. Having survived a plane crash and car wreck, nipping defenders will hardly seem a bother.

Midfielders:
Hillary Rodham Clinton, the Old Lady of the team will support her husband Bill and the other forwards.
Al Gore will look to uncover "An Inconvenient Truth" about the Republican defense.
John Kerry has a knack for unpredictable decisions and quick changes of direction that will give the Republicans fits.
George Clooney is free to do what he wants including calling out his teammates for not standing up to the Republican side.

Defenders:
Nancy Pelosi is committed to the defense and security of the Democrats' goal. She will be tough to beat.
Oprah Winfrey backs the players in front of her with considerable influence and golden touch.
Harry Reid has no reservations executing capital punishment on the oppositions forwards.

Goalkeeper:
Michael Moore literally rounds out the team as the goalkeeper because he fills the most area between the pipes.

Coach:
Jimmy Carter who showed the fire is still burning in Sudan will lead the Dems.

The Republicans
The Republican side will field a conservative 4-4-2 formation. The overall strategy is to overwhelm the opposition by allowing the individual players to exert as much influence on the game as possible without restriction. The Republican side is expected to aggressively invade and occupy their opponents territory.

Forwards:
Arnold Schwarzenegger has the physically imposing figure to intimidate defenders. His Austrian upbringing may make him the most skilled player on team.
The diminutive George W. Bush will compliment Arnold. George Best scored incredible goals while he was tanked.

Midfielders:
The courageous Bob Dole will provide a veteran influence in the center of the Republican midfield.
Collin Powell is "The General" and will direct the Republican offensive.
Rush Limbaugh will keep things exciting on the wing. With his low tolerance to pain he can't be expected to mix it up in the crowd.
Ann Coulter is the Republicans' other provocative option on the wing. If needed Ann can drop back to keep Bill Clinton distracted.

Defenders:
Dick Cheney is defensive minded and such a terrible marksman has no business in the attack.
Newt Gingrich will mark Bill Clinton and oppose him at every turn.
John Roberts, a former athlete, will attempt to match up against Obama.
Condoleezza Rice will supply direct service to Geroge Bush from the back line.

Goalkeeper:
John McCain will need all of his mettle to handle the stress of tending the net for the Republicans.

Coach:
Pat Robertson will convey the wisdom of God directly to his team.

Bono, Fidel Castro and Ralph Nader were chosen to officiate the match based on thier objectivity towards the outcome. After is was alleged that Nader would tip the game towards the Republicans he was reassigned from center official to assistant referee.

Jon Stewart, a former soccer player at the College of William and Mary will provide the color commentary for the match.

The stage is set. So who wins this battle of the ages? Share your opinion of how this match turns out.